Anyways, ugh, I wouldn’t say I was happy today. I knew from the minute I woke up, I’d have a sorta crappy one ‘cause between Tuesday to Thursday, I’ve had a collective six hours of sleep. But still, after that long ass, much needed talk with Taryn, I felt a little better about myself.
So today, I fell asleep in almost all of my classes. Except percussion…well, maybe. I was dirting out a bit (not all the time & about a nanosecond I realized I was, I cleaned myself up). I know I wasn’t mad, sad, or unglad today, so that was good. The whole time though, I was thinking about…bleh, eff it. So yeah, I’m starting my homework a little early today…hopefully by next week, I could start my homework as soon as I get home. Y’all are just to interesting, that’s why you guys keep me on here.
Now…I feel rather blank. I haven’t really found common ground nor did I establish peace of mind. I know I’ll get there someday. Which reminds me about another thing:
Earlier today, I made a tumblr post saying don’t waste your time thinking of success: think of how to attain it.
Or something like that. This whole time, I kept thinking of my destination yet I didn’t have a modus operandi to get me there. My grade in chem was a B+ two days ago, now it’s a D+…and in percussion, I have high expectations for all of us, & whenever I watch Legend or Missing You, I think to myself “Damn, we needa sound like that THIS year.” But of course, I keep forgetting that over time, we will. And my grade in chem will rise. And yeah.
So…I guess a simple way to put it is you can’t grow a beard over night.
I am the stone that the builder refused I am the visual The inspiration That made ladies sing the blues
I’m the spark that makes your idea bright The same spark that lights the dark So that you can know your left from your right
I am the ballot in your box The bullet in the gun The inner glow that lets you know To call your brother son The story that just begun The promise of what’s to come And I’m ‘a remain a soldier till the war is won
One bad thing happens & later, the domino affect takes place. It’s only on a Wednesday do I realize how much my life is full of suck, lose, & downfall. That’s why all my Wednesdays are bad days…sorta.
They just have a knack for being bad. I mean, I have to at least have one bad day a week, so why not have it scheduled?
Anyways, I’m not mad, sad, or unglad, but since I was turned down for HC, the captain of my lifeboat charted into treacherous waters & has jumped ship, leaving me to crash into some obstruction & later to be made famous by James Cameron. So yeah, ever since I was turned down, a number of problems started to rise:
Two best friends arguing (they have been for awhile but I just took note of this recently).
Grades start to plummet (I had a grade check to get me outta probation. 2 a’s & 2 B’s…apparently, one of those B’s is now a D+).
What the eff, I have a pho king D+ when two days ago, my teacher said I had a B.
I start to take notice of all the problems & such of my peers. Negativity…negativity everywhere.
WEATHER GOES APESH*T.
Start to question self-worth.
Yeah, all-in-all, inbd. I’ll figure a way outta this. But all I gotta say is:
It’s not that bad.
This ain’t the worst that can happen.
It doesn’t matter now.
Get over yourself.
Grow the f*ck up.
Why did you lie to me?
You really had me going, but then I saw through all of it.
It was late September, 8:30 at night. Had a call from my lady, my girlfriend, my wife. She said, “I’m kinda bored wanna chill for a bit?” I said “Yeah” She said “Really?” Oh you heard me thats right. I had a hit placed on me by this crew up in Saltholm. My girl always looked out, she knew there was drama. She said “Baby are you sure? I heard about your death threat, heard you got some killers on your ass up in the West end” I said “Affirmative” Didn’t know she heard of it. She’s whining on the phone. I said “Calm down, don’t worry, shit! I got it covered with the drama bank. Don’t worry about me babe I got my mom for that” She said “Alright baby. Call if any problems hit my way” Tried to say bye but my boy was in the driveway. I asked him to drive me, maybe this could work out. He said “Where you goin’?” I said “Well my girls house” He knew about my west end beef, he had my back and shit. Didn’t pay him any mind I knew that I could handle it. Then we drove to my girls house. Suddenly I got a call from those dudes who wanted to fuck with me. They said “Homie, we know where you are. We got four dudes deep and were strapped in a car” I laughed loudly. Told them “Listen faggot nothin’s happenin, your bluffin little pumpkin, so hardy har har” We arrived at my girls place, I hopped out the ride. Not on the drive way my boy went and parked on the side. He drove away. As I walked to the door very calmly I heard a huge yell from the car right behind me. Turned around saw those same dudes I had trouble with. Looked me in the face and suddenly pulled the gun and shit. Well my first option was to try and make a run for it. Then he popped two thru my chest and thru my fuckin hip. On the ground heard a car skidding backwards. Heard screaming from my girls window right after. Everything was blurry, I couldn’t move a body part. Couldn’t say a word when i yelled it was kinda hard. I blacked out and woke up in my kitchen. lifted my head up and said “Oh fuck am I living?!” Saw my dining room table everyone was having dinner. My mom, my step dad, my brother and my sister. Looked around to see if they knew there wasn’t someone there. Cause I didn’t see a space or just another chair. I tried gaining there attention tried clearly. yelled repeatedly but no, they didn’t hear me. I guess I was a ghost and this shit was a fix. Because it seems this was a life where I didn’t exist. They were happy, all smiling. I yelled they never a word. I looked on to my side and saw brand new furniture. Huge TV new objects and shit. Looked at what they were all eating. It was lobster and shrimp. It seems since I was gone they were getting quite along. Didn’t need another son that they would spend there money on. They were living quite lavish apart from being average like when I was in the family. But now they seem to manage. As soon as I went to go explore some more A light flashed i was in a round florence store. I saw my girlfriend standing beside this man on the phone, a young dude they were walking out with bags full of cloths and hopped in to this mercedes. She gave him a kiss, and I remembered, in this life I didn’t exist. But she was much more happy with this guy who was dope. I remembered in past days where I would be broke. But now she has a good man, all together and hot. A hot guy that could probably buy whatever she wants. I said “Fuck” Life would just be better if I didn’t live. All of them would shine if I never lived with them. Then I saw a flash I was back in repeat. In my boys ride sittin in the passengers seat. In front of my girls house I was about to go leave. I had dilemmas in my head “should I do it should I hop out?” Then I thought “Maybe if I died they’d be all better, If I was gone they’d be happy through the tall measures” I hopped out, and what do you know. The goons yelled but me, I didn’t run to the door. I stood there standing helpless in the best of the shit. They shot two, and they got me through my chest and my hip. And the same thing happened, except for the dreams. It was perfect I was waiting for the death and it seems that maybe if I did die they’d be better through the tides. Thats it.